Monthly Archives: December 2009

Failure to Progress

I was introduced to the  #twitterbirth phenomenon over the past few days when a local Mom’s twitter I had been following throughout pregnancy twittered her birth. Very interesting. I couldn’t believe how wrapped up I became in her posts. Like it was one of my closest friends texting me a play-by-play of everything that was going on. I don’t know how she did that. I only wanted my Mom and husband when I was in labor. 

 I don’t know if I would want the whole world critcizing my birthing decisions. There are several well-meaning feminist advocates that follow this as well shouting “THE WORLD IS AGAINST NATURAL BIRTH” (somewhat true)…”EPI’S ARE THE DEVIL” (medium true?!)….”CHOOSE YOUR OWN BIRTH”….The system sucks and basically you can’t choose your own birth. You get what God and your body hand to you and you do the best you can when you can. Being a Mom who wished more than anything for a normal birth…would have loved NATURAL but hell I’ll even take vaginal!!!This drums up so many negative emotions and just re-hashes everything for me. I too would have liked to experienced the “runner’s high” that many Mom’s say they feel after they push out their babies and they are plopped on their chests. I didn’t get to hold my baby for a good 30 minutes. I was all morphine’d up and shaking so bad I could barely see him. My contacts were out and I couldn’t turn my head. I had a peripheral view of him. It fucking sucked.  Did I really need a c-section? Maybe? Could I have pushed out the baby on my own? Maybe? Was he ready to come out? I was at induced 15 days late….42+1weeks….Were my dates wrong? Absolutely not.  

I was not empowered during pushing. I couldn’t feel anything. I felt helpless. People had to move my legs for me. I couldn’t change positions. I couldn’t do anything. I just laid there and hoped that I wasn’t pooping. Sad, but true.  I wasn’t excited. I was mad. I was so mad.

Don’t get me wrong. I am beyond grateful that I have a happy, bubbly, sleeping-through-the night, gorgeous baby boy. I guess the result is all that matters. But does how you got there count? Why does it seem that way? I wish I would be able to tell my son “Ahhh, I was in labor for 36 hours and I pushed you out, easy as pie”. My own Mom had 3 home births all natural. So I figured maybe I would get some of her strength. Instead, I feel like I should say “I suck, I couldn’t even do the most basic human thing that my body was preparing me to do for 9 months” or “Why couldn’t have I been stronger and just NOT gotten the epidural?”. I don’t mean to offend any other moms out there that had c-sections. If you are happy and at peace  then I am beyond happy for you. I also understand that they can be a miracle as well. I just know that I can’t be the only Mom who feels this way.  I guess I am mad at myself.  The EPI PIT CSEC waterfall of shit sucked….(actually mine was PIT EPI CSEC….)

This C-section will haunt me the rest of my life. I wanted 4 kids. Now the maximum I can have is….what ?3? if I’m lucky. Should I attempt a VBAC? Can I even find a hospital that will DO the VBAC? Do I really want to labor again for 36 hours and then OHHHH JUST KIDDING HERE’S ANOTHER C-SECTION. 

I feel like I never actually gave birth.  I feel guilty, like I didn’t do something right. Like when I was  in the hospital bed for hours upon hours not feeling any contractions-  I was cheating.  Apparently I was. Time to the pay the piper.

I was not at all emotional about it after it happened. I was just grateful the waiting and labor was OVER. The recovery sucked so bad. C-section recovery is a cruel and unusual punishment. How are you supposed to comfort a screaming hours old baby? “Hey, can you help me stand up so I can slowly shuffle over to the bassinet and try to manuever myself into some kind of bent over NOT SCREAMING IN PAIN position that doesn’t require the use of any of the abs that were just sliced in half?  That would be great, Thanks.” On a positive note, the constant Vicodin supply is nice and that happy 30-minute high I got when I took my first dose was delightful. The world seemed soft and flowy and I was able to forget about the 8-inch gash across my stomach and the fact that my DAY OLD BABY HAD AN IV IN HIS HAND. 

Watching the #Twitterbirth last night unfold just like mine did was terrible. I felt like I was re-living the horror and the anger all over again. And, FUCK, I didn’t even realize how angry I still am. Completely helpless. All the talk of  “NO YOU CAN REFUSE A CSEC”…You like to think that you can. But you really can’t. I am the queen of refusals. I refused induction after being admitted for high blood pressure a week late, spit in the doctor’s face (figuratively), signed the release forms and left. Maybe the first mention or two of a Csec you can refuse, but let’s be honest….It’s not like you can throw out the entire hospital staff and have your own makeshift birth. When you haven’t slept in 24 hours and those doctors are in your face tossing around terms like “fetal demise” and saying “Don’t you want what’s best for your baby?”. What the fuck are you supposed to say to that?

Would have I undergone a hundred surgeries and hours upon hours of pain to be able to hold my little son in my arms. ABSOLUTELY. Would I do anything to ensure his safety? ABSOLUTELY.

All in all, I think we are getting so turned around. “Baby is too big” …..blah blah blah….”Positioning”…..”Pelvis”…..24-hour labor timing helps no one. The pressure is so great, we are almost certain to crack.

“So what are calling this one” “Is this one a ‘failure to progress’? ”  Nice! Really nice. Can’t they think of another way to say it. Something that doesn’t include the word FAILURE!!!!

I just wish I could forget how much of a failure I felt like and still feel like. I know that it DOESN’T mean that I am a failure blah blah blah. It shouldn’t matter, right? But it does.


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Filed under BIRTH, Gavin, RANTS AND RAVES

He is the best thing to ever happen to me . I could not ask for a more wonderful, smart and beautiful baby. I love him so much.  By far, this was the best Christmas! His smile just melts my heart.

I promise I’m not always this sappy, but LOOK AT THAT FACE! I can’t help it.

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Filed under Gavin