Some women feel like Pregnancy makes them beautiful. I was not one of them. Some women feel like being a mother makes them beautiful. Psh, not me.
I traded in my G-strings (My oh my that sounds skanky) for boy shorts, because REALLY who wants to feel a string up your ass when you’re 16 weeks pregnant puking your breakfast/lunch/dinner/snack/sip of water up.
Also makeup for a normal day at work, BYE-BYE. I was too tired to even unscrew the cap of my lip gloss. My hands were good for only two things: Pressing the snooze button and shoveling food in my mouth.
Oh, and my cute 34 C push-up Bras. So Long, Farewell. Hello, ugly 36D nursing bras. I swore I would never EVER wear a white bra. I loathe them. Still do. Might as well just slap a sign over my boobs that says “NO SEX HERE EVER.” I successfully avoided white bras my entire life. But, selecting from the meager stack of 36D Underwire-less (My boobs were too sore to even THINK of getting a bra with Underwire) bras was another fun preggo adventure. All I saw was white white white white and oh wait, MORE WHITE. Ew Gross. Just what I need a white bra to accentuate the lovely pallor of my skin.
Another thing that I dearly miss is TANNING. I know, I know skin cancer…bad bad bad bad. But, really not even a mystic tan?? Nothing?! (I’m still trying to figure out if I can Mystic Tan even while I’m Breastfeeding…I’d cover up my boobs, but who knows exactly WHAT is seeping into me.) So for now I will be Ghostface Tara. Ooo. Sexy.
I thought it would be different after I was done being pregnant. Funny joke. I thought all those stories about being covered in baby puke, forgetting the last time you showered, not being able to brush your teeth all day- those were all horror stories of girls with poor personal hygiene. I was NEVER going to be that Mom.
My shower became a reward at the end of the night. It was like the martini I could not have. (Nursing a newborn every 90 minutes eliminated any chance of alcohol consumption for me.) I admit, I didn’t shower every day. It hurt my C-section incision and as soon as I would hop in the shower the baby would be screaming for boobs. I couldn’t brush my tangled hair because I was so sore. My Mom or Husband brushed my hair for me. Yes, like I was a 5-year old. ( I secretly enjoyed it). Unfortunately, the hair-brushing ended. I healed and had to brush my own web-of-destruction hair. I started being able to shower on a daily basis too, much to the delight of my husband.
I can honestly say I wore nothing but sweatpants or leggings for a good two months after the baby was born. Not because I was fat, (Thank you Lord Jesus, I lost all my pregnancy weight within 3 weeks of giving birth. This is the ONLY thing you are allowed to hate me for. Yet, ANOTHER benefit of Breastfeeding!) but putting on jeans for a 3-week old baby to puke on is just dumb. And yes, I joined the pukey nursing tank top club. “Oh, that was only a little bit….” and “I’ve already gone through 4 shirts today. Oh, well.”
All of these things conspired against me to make me feel like one big steaming pile of poop. So last week after catching my reflection one too many times and thinking “WHO IS THIS GIRL?!”, I finally FINALLY motivated myself enough to wake up 10 minutes earlier and throw some makeup on and straighten my hair. I also now am back to my panty-line free days of thongs. You have no idea what a big step this is for me. Seriously. I was beginning to worry. There are still are a few things that I wish I could improve on. I wish I was skinnier and I wish I was tanner. But one thing at a time, I suppose.
Side Note: My husband now thinks I have a work boyfriend. <Insert hysterical laughter here>.