No, as of this posting I am not pregnant. Relax.
I feel like EVERYONE, is on baby number two…..except me. Girls that were pregnant when Gavin was just a few months old are now preggo with number two. I feel like I’ve failed (once again – a recurring theme) in the aspect of childbearing. Nothing says loving like a bun in the oven, right? Cut to me. Sucking at wife-dom and life.
Is my head not in the right place for another child. Is my heart? Why am I not anxiously awaiting my ovulation days, ready to pounce on my husband’s ( extremely fertile, I might add – sorry for the gross out) sperm? Am I scared of the hospital? Am I scared of the possible c-section? Am I afraid that I might attempt a VBAC only to have it fail miserably?
Here’s the completely superficial terrible reasons I’m not actively babymaking……
1. Doctor’s appointments. What the F am I supposed to do with my son while I’m getting checked and fetal monitored and blood drawn and ultra-sounded? I have no family around to drop G off with while I attend the ninety million doctor appointments that pregnancy requires….I can just imagine him wreaking havoc on the exam room while I’m incapacitated with my knees to my chest. Great.
2. Morning Sickness. Um, I think I was close to death on a quite a few occasions in my first and only pregnancy to date….so I can only assume that this one will have the same theme. Puke, puke, nausea, sleep and more puke. Considering it’s a challenge to take care of my toddler’s ever changing needs and cleaning a house and scheduling a shower in every other day for myself and perhaps twenty minutes of y’know relaxtion or something on TV that’s not Yo Gabba Gabba or Wonderpets….
3. Lack of familial support. I guess this isn’t a real reason, but it kinda bothers me. My husband’s mother is basically non-existent in my son’s life. Although she lives an hour away it might as well be 4,000 miles. I can count the number of times she’s seen him on ONE HAND in the whole two years of his life. So….yeah…
My Mom although she has seen and babysat and watched and soothed him more times than I can count is still living in the dirty south…Georgia, Georgia right now. She does come and visit for a few days once every month or two which I look forward to (probably more than I should- YES SOMEONE ELSE TO CHANGE A FREAKING DIAPER)….but she isn’t on hand- accessible 24-7 like I (selfishly) would like.
But, hang on, my DAD ( he works in Chicago and commutes back and forth to Georgia ($$$$) where he technically lives. My parents are still crazy stupid in love, so I don’t know how they stand to be apart from each other 4 days a week) is a one awesome babysitter. He is the reason me and my husband get to go on sushi dates and get to go to fun places like Wal-mart without me worrying that Gavino is touching/licking the cart handles. So Yay for my Dad. But, still he works like 90 million hours a week and is constantly back and forth to GA.
4. I have to pick another doctor. Ugh. No thanks. Although the hospital where G was born has one of the highest VBAC rates in the state, I just don’t want to drive 45 mins to my doctor’s appointment. Plus, I wish the staff was more….friendly. My experiences there were not good. I have to pick another hospital that will allow me to attempt a vbac. I would like a midwife. I would like a doula. I don’t even know where to start. My husband doesn’t think I will be able to have a vbac, I can tell…..I know he’s already counting on another c-sec…that makes me sad….because that just reinforces my dis-illusioned (sp) belief that I suck at birthing and parenthood in general….
5. This is my unknown secretive reason that I will never reveal to anyone why I am holding back on baby number two.
6 . Everyone that was allowed a vaginal birth I want to punch in the fucking face. Sorry 66% of birthing moms, I’m still pissed about my c-section. STILL. Like two years later. Every time I hear about someone whose baby came out in 4 pushes and they naturally labored for two hours, I get jealous. Like some psycho ex-girlfriend that’s me…The crazy pissed off bitch writing about how angry she is on her little blog….Blah. Misery loves company. What a terrible thing to write. I suck.
7. The terrible fear that I will have trouble getting pregnant and that I will become a chart-making, temperature taking, hormone injecting crazed babymaker instead of….We loved each other…Two bottles of wine later….some passionate sex and I got pregnant with you. Oops. Yay!
8. My extreme hypochondria/OCD… Not fabricated. It’s real. Health shit scares me. A lot. I can’t even begin to contemplate my extreme fears regarding hospital birthing and germs and staph infections and really I can’t even type or else I will start to my freak out and go put some latex gloves on so the germs can’t get me.
*****Notice that I haven’t listed missed time with Gavino as a reason. However, I can’t list that as a reason considering how deeply enamored he is with little people close to his size. I would miss the co-sleeping. A lot. Yes, we still co-sleep. (stone me, independent sleepers)…..But I would think he would absolutely love a little sibling. Someone to love on and cuddle and play with.
**** Also, I haven’t listed getting fat as a superficial reason, which I assume would be on most people’s lists of why they don’t want to be currently pregnant. Just FYI Breastfeeding is the most kick-ass diet you will ever be on. I was almost at my high school weight. For realz.
– I am confident in one thing – My determination to breastfeed my second baby. Gavino was a relatively easy baby to breastfeed. I also pumped for almost a full year while working ( I’M BRAGGING BECAUSE I WILL FOREVER BE PROUD OF MYSELF)….We did have ups, downs and bumps, lumps and mastitis…but I breastfed him til 18 months which was my goal. So yay. I will do the same for the second one and maybe even breastfeed til 2 years.
Um…yeah….That’s my mini-rant. I have no great way to end this post. No quippy quote. Just…Yeah… This is what goes through my head.