Category Archives: Beauty

I Don’t Heart….

1) Women who don’t wash their hands after they go to the bathroom. What!!!!Are you 3 years old? Are you a dirty man? NO! You’re supposed to be a freaking LADY! So act like one. Squirt some soap on those hands and WASH THEM! No one wants to touch your dirty pee hands and get your cooter germs cause you don’t understand the concept of washing your hands.  Also, when you RINSE your hands for 1.5 seconds- that does NOTHING! Scrub them! FOR TWENTY SECONDS, GERM FARM! *Sing Happy Birthday to yourself (in your head- lest you garner any more stares than you already are by washing your hands properly) two times, That’s 20 seconds!

2) Pass to the left, stand to the right. I wish I could just give all commuters a 5-minute lesson I would entitle “Commuter Etiquette”.  On the DL it would be known as “If you have to take this you must be dumb” class. The class theme song will be that Justin Timberlake song- Rock Your Body-  “Pass to the left and you sail (we can change it to stay) to the right”. C’mon I know you know that song! Sing it! Every day when I commute downtown for work there is always a few IDIOTS that don’t understand this concept on the escalators. They stand on the left side like total morons staring at the ceiling while I burn holes in the back of their head with my menacing glares..  If you are in a hurry stay to the left so you can move quickly, if you’re not in a hurry stay to the right. Y’know kinda like driving on the highway, people.   This is especially important in a train station, where there are things like SCHEDULES and TRAINS THAT ONLY RUN ON THE HOUR!

3)Preggo’s that BLEACH their hair. I see this more and more and it annoys me!!!! I guess this isn’t as bad as having your way with a bottle of Grey Goose when you’re 32 weeks pregnant. But bleach COME ON.  That cannot be smart. It can burn your eyeballs right out of their sockets. It can cause your hair to fry and disintegrate! Your roots can wait!

4) Why oh why oh why won’t Pandora work in the background of my iPhone? I know this is Apple’s sneaky trick to get me to buy more music on iTunes. Also, clever marketing so that when they release the 932G version I will be forced to buy it and blow another $400 on ANOTHER iphone. Who am I kidding, by then Gavin will be  3 and it will be the latest pre-schooler craze and Mike won’t want to be left out either.  Now, Apple has me for another $1200….

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Filed under Beauty, Chicago, I Don't Heart, Mommyhood, RANTS AND RAVES

Thongs and a Full Face of Makeup

Some women feel like Pregnancy makes them beautiful. I was not one of them. Some women feel like being a mother makes them beautiful.  Psh, not me.

I traded in my G-strings (My oh my that sounds skanky) for boy shorts, because REALLY  who wants to feel a string up your ass when you’re 16 weeks pregnant puking your breakfast/lunch/dinner/snack/sip of water up.

Also makeup for a normal day at work, BYE-BYE. I was too tired to even unscrew the cap of my lip gloss. My hands were good for only two things: Pressing the snooze button and shoveling food in my mouth.

Oh, and my cute 34 C push-up Bras. So Long, Farewell. Hello, ugly 36D nursing bras.  I swore I would never EVER wear a white bra. I loathe them. Still do. Might as well just slap a sign over my boobs that says “NO SEX HERE EVER.” I successfully avoided white bras my entire life. But, selecting from the meager stack of 36D Underwire-less (My boobs were too sore  to even THINK of getting a bra with Underwire) bras was another fun preggo adventure. All I saw was white white white white and oh wait, MORE WHITE. Ew Gross.  Just what I need a white bra to accentuate the lovely pallor of my skin.

Another thing that I dearly miss is TANNING. I know, I know skin cancer…bad bad bad bad. But, really not even a mystic tan?? Nothing?! (I’m still trying to figure out if I can Mystic Tan even while I’m Breastfeeding…I’d cover up my boobs, but who knows exactly WHAT is seeping into me.) So for now I will be Ghostface Tara. Ooo. Sexy.

I thought it would be different after I was done being pregnant. Funny joke.  I thought all those stories about being covered in baby puke, forgetting the last time you showered, not being able to brush your teeth all day- those were all horror stories of girls with poor personal hygiene.  I was NEVER going to be that Mom.

HA.

HA.

HA.

HA.

My shower became  a reward at the end of the night. It was like the martini I could not have.  (Nursing a newborn every 90 minutes eliminated any chance of alcohol consumption for me.) I admit, I didn’t shower every day. It hurt my C-section incision and as soon as I would hop in the shower the baby would be screaming for boobs. I couldn’t brush my tangled hair because I was so sore. My Mom or Husband brushed my hair for me. Yes, like I was a 5-year old. ( I secretly enjoyed it).  Unfortunately, the hair-brushing ended. I healed and had to brush my own web-of-destruction hair.  I started being able to shower on a daily basis too, much to the delight of my husband.

I can honestly say I wore nothing but sweatpants or leggings for a good two months after the baby was born. Not because I was fat, (Thank you Lord Jesus,  I lost all my pregnancy weight within 3 weeks of giving birth. This is the ONLY thing you are allowed to hate me for. Yet, ANOTHER benefit of Breastfeeding!) but putting on jeans for a 3-week old baby to puke on is just dumb.  And yes, I joined the pukey nursing tank top club.  “Oh, that was only a little bit….” and “I’ve already gone through 4 shirts today. Oh, well.”

All of these things conspired against me to make me feel like one big steaming pile of poop.  So last week after catching my reflection one too many times and thinking “WHO IS THIS GIRL?!”, I finally FINALLY motivated myself enough to wake up 10 minutes earlier and throw some makeup on and straighten my hair. I also now am back to my panty-line free days of thongs.   You have no idea what a big step this is for me. Seriously. I was beginning to worry. There are still are a few things that I wish I could improve on.  I wish I was skinnier and I wish I was tanner. But one thing at a time, I suppose.

Side Note: My husband now thinks I have a work boyfriend. <Insert  hysterical laughter here>.

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Filed under Beauty, Pregnancy, RANTS AND RAVES