Category Archives: BIRTH

Baby Number Two.

No, as of this posting I am not pregnant. Relax.

I feel like EVERYONE, is on baby number two…..except me. Girls that were pregnant when Gavin was just a few months old are now preggo with number two. I feel like I’ve failed (once again – a recurring theme)  in the aspect of  childbearing. Nothing says loving like a bun in the oven, right? Cut to me. Sucking at wife-dom and life.

Is my head not in the right place for another child. Is my heart? Why am I not anxiously awaiting my ovulation days, ready to pounce on my husband’s ( extremely fertile, I might add – sorry for the gross out) sperm? Am I scared of the hospital? Am I scared of the possible c-section? Am I afraid that I might attempt a VBAC only to have it fail miserably?

Here’s the completely superficial terrible reasons I’m not actively babymaking……

1. Doctor’s appointments. What the F am I supposed to do with my son while I’m getting checked and fetal monitored and blood drawn and ultra-sounded? I have no  family around to drop G off with while I attend the ninety million doctor appointments that pregnancy requires….I can just imagine him wreaking havoc on the exam room while I’m incapacitated with my knees to my chest. Great.

2. Morning Sickness. Um, I think I was close to death on a quite a few occasions in my first and only pregnancy to date….so I can only assume that this one will have the same theme.  Puke, puke, nausea, sleep and more puke.  Considering it’s a challenge to take care of my toddler’s ever changing needs and cleaning a house and scheduling a shower in every other day for myself and perhaps twenty minutes of y’know relaxtion or something on TV that’s not Yo Gabba Gabba or Wonderpets….

3. Lack of familial support.  I guess this isn’t a real reason, but it kinda bothers me. My husband’s mother is basically non-existent in my son’s life. Although she lives an hour away it might as well be 4,000 miles. I can count the number of times she’s seen him on ONE HAND in the whole two years of his life. So….yeah…

My Mom although she has seen and babysat and watched and soothed him more times than I can count is still living in the dirty south…Georgia, Georgia right now. She does come and visit for a few days once every month or two which I look forward to (probably more than I should- YES SOMEONE ELSE TO CHANGE A FREAKING DIAPER)….but she isn’t on hand- accessible 24-7 like I (selfishly) would like.

But, hang on, my DAD ( he works in Chicago and commutes back and forth to Georgia ($$$$) where he technically lives. My parents are still crazy stupid in love, so I don’t know how they stand to be apart from each other 4 days a week)  is a one awesome babysitter.  He is the reason me and my husband get to go on sushi dates and get to go to fun places like Wal-mart without me worrying that Gavino is touching/licking the cart handles. So Yay for my Dad.  But, still he works like 90 million hours a week and is constantly back and forth to GA.

4.  I have to pick another doctor. Ugh. No thanks. Although the hospital where G was born has one of the highest VBAC rates in the state, I just don’t want to drive 45 mins to my doctor’s appointment.  Plus, I wish the staff was more….friendly. My experiences there were not good.  I have to pick another hospital that will allow me to attempt a vbac. I would like a midwife. I would like a doula. I don’t even know where to start.  My husband doesn’t think I will be able to have a vbac, I can tell…..I know he’s already counting on another c-sec…that makes me sad….because that just reinforces my dis-illusioned (sp) belief that I suck at birthing and parenthood in general….

5. This is my unknown secretive reason that I will never reveal to anyone why I am holding back on baby number two.

6 . Everyone that was allowed a vaginal birth I want to punch in the fucking face. Sorry 66% of birthing moms I’m still pissed about my c-section. STILL. Like two years later. Every time I hear about someone whose baby came out in 4 pushes and they naturally labored for two hours, I get jealous. Like some psycho ex-girlfriend that’s me…The crazy pissed off bitch writing about how angry she is on her little blog….Blah.  Misery loves company. What a terrible thing to write. I suck.

7. The terrible fear that I will have trouble getting pregnant and that I will become a chart-making, temperature taking, hormone injecting crazed babymaker instead of….We loved each other…Two bottles of wine later….some passionate sex and I got pregnant with you. Oops. Yay!

8. My extreme hypochondria/OCD… Not fabricated. It’s real. Health shit scares me. A lot. I can’t even begin to contemplate my extreme fears regarding hospital birthing and germs and staph infections and really I can’t even type or else I will start to my freak out and go put some latex gloves on so the germs can’t get me.

*****Notice that I haven’t listed missed time with Gavino as a reason. However, I can’t list that as a reason considering how deeply enamored he is with little people close to his size.  I would miss the co-sleeping. A lot. Yes, we still co-sleep. (stone me, independent sleepers)…..But I would think he would absolutely love a little sibling. Someone to love on and cuddle and play with.

**** Also, I haven’t listed getting fat as a superficial reason, which I assume  would be on most people’s lists of why they don’t want to be currently pregnant.  Just FYI Breastfeeding is the most kick-ass diet you will ever be on. I was almost at my high school weight.  For realz.

– I am confident in one thing – My determination to breastfeed my second baby. Gavino was a relatively easy baby to breastfeed. I also pumped for almost a full year while working ( I’M BRAGGING BECAUSE I WILL FOREVER BE PROUD OF MYSELF)….We did have ups, downs and bumps, lumps and mastitis…but I breastfed him til 18 months which was my goal. So yay. I will do the same for the second one and maybe even breastfeed til 2 years.

Um…yeah….That’s my mini-rant.  I have no great way to end this post. No quippy quote. Just…Yeah… This  is what goes through my head.

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Filed under BIRTH, Breastfeeding, Gavin, Mommyhood

Failure to Progress

I was introduced to the  #twitterbirth phenomenon over the past few days when a local Mom’s twitter I had been following throughout pregnancy twittered her birth. Very interesting. I couldn’t believe how wrapped up I became in her posts. Like it was one of my closest friends texting me a play-by-play of everything that was going on. I don’t know how she did that. I only wanted my Mom and husband when I was in labor. 

 I don’t know if I would want the whole world critcizing my birthing decisions. There are several well-meaning feminist advocates that follow this as well shouting “THE WORLD IS AGAINST NATURAL BIRTH” (somewhat true)…”EPI’S ARE THE DEVIL” (medium true?!)….”CHOOSE YOUR OWN BIRTH”….The system sucks and basically you can’t choose your own birth. You get what God and your body hand to you and you do the best you can when you can. Being a Mom who wished more than anything for a normal birth…would have loved NATURAL but hell I’ll even take vaginal!!!This drums up so many negative emotions and just re-hashes everything for me. I too would have liked to experienced the “runner’s high” that many Mom’s say they feel after they push out their babies and they are plopped on their chests. I didn’t get to hold my baby for a good 30 minutes. I was all morphine’d up and shaking so bad I could barely see him. My contacts were out and I couldn’t turn my head. I had a peripheral view of him. It fucking sucked.  Did I really need a c-section? Maybe? Could I have pushed out the baby on my own? Maybe? Was he ready to come out? I was at induced 15 days late….42+1weeks….Were my dates wrong? Absolutely not.  

I was not empowered during pushing. I couldn’t feel anything. I felt helpless. People had to move my legs for me. I couldn’t change positions. I couldn’t do anything. I just laid there and hoped that I wasn’t pooping. Sad, but true.  I wasn’t excited. I was mad. I was so mad.

Don’t get me wrong. I am beyond grateful that I have a happy, bubbly, sleeping-through-the night, gorgeous baby boy. I guess the result is all that matters. But does how you got there count? Why does it seem that way? I wish I would be able to tell my son “Ahhh, I was in labor for 36 hours and I pushed you out, easy as pie”. My own Mom had 3 home births all natural. So I figured maybe I would get some of her strength. Instead, I feel like I should say “I suck, I couldn’t even do the most basic human thing that my body was preparing me to do for 9 months” or “Why couldn’t have I been stronger and just NOT gotten the epidural?”. I don’t mean to offend any other moms out there that had c-sections. If you are happy and at peace  then I am beyond happy for you. I also understand that they can be a miracle as well. I just know that I can’t be the only Mom who feels this way.  I guess I am mad at myself.  The EPI PIT CSEC waterfall of shit sucked….(actually mine was PIT EPI CSEC….)

This C-section will haunt me the rest of my life. I wanted 4 kids. Now the maximum I can have is….what ?3? if I’m lucky. Should I attempt a VBAC? Can I even find a hospital that will DO the VBAC? Do I really want to labor again for 36 hours and then OHHHH JUST KIDDING HERE’S ANOTHER C-SECTION. 

I feel like I never actually gave birth.  I feel guilty, like I didn’t do something right. Like when I was  in the hospital bed for hours upon hours not feeling any contractions-  I was cheating.  Apparently I was. Time to the pay the piper.

I was not at all emotional about it after it happened. I was just grateful the waiting and labor was OVER. The recovery sucked so bad. C-section recovery is a cruel and unusual punishment. How are you supposed to comfort a screaming hours old baby? “Hey, can you help me stand up so I can slowly shuffle over to the bassinet and try to manuever myself into some kind of bent over NOT SCREAMING IN PAIN position that doesn’t require the use of any of the abs that were just sliced in half?  That would be great, Thanks.” On a positive note, the constant Vicodin supply is nice and that happy 30-minute high I got when I took my first dose was delightful. The world seemed soft and flowy and I was able to forget about the 8-inch gash across my stomach and the fact that my DAY OLD BABY HAD AN IV IN HIS HAND. 

Watching the #Twitterbirth last night unfold just like mine did was terrible. I felt like I was re-living the horror and the anger all over again. And, FUCK, I didn’t even realize how angry I still am. Completely helpless. All the talk of  “NO YOU CAN REFUSE A CSEC”…You like to think that you can. But you really can’t. I am the queen of refusals. I refused induction after being admitted for high blood pressure a week late, spit in the doctor’s face (figuratively), signed the release forms and left. Maybe the first mention or two of a Csec you can refuse, but let’s be honest….It’s not like you can throw out the entire hospital staff and have your own makeshift birth. When you haven’t slept in 24 hours and those doctors are in your face tossing around terms like “fetal demise” and saying “Don’t you want what’s best for your baby?”. What the fuck are you supposed to say to that?

Would have I undergone a hundred surgeries and hours upon hours of pain to be able to hold my little son in my arms. ABSOLUTELY. Would I do anything to ensure his safety? ABSOLUTELY.

All in all, I think we are getting so turned around. “Baby is too big” …..blah blah blah….”Positioning”…..”Pelvis”…..24-hour labor timing helps no one. The pressure is so great, we are almost certain to crack.

“So what are calling this one” “Is this one a ‘failure to progress’? ”  Nice! Really nice. Can’t they think of another way to say it. Something that doesn’t include the word FAILURE!!!!

I just wish I could forget how much of a failure I felt like and still feel like. I know that it DOESN’T mean that I am a failure blah blah blah. It shouldn’t matter, right? But it does.

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Filed under BIRTH, Gavin, RANTS AND RAVES