1) Women who don’t wash their hands after they go to the bathroom. What!!!!Are you 3 years old? Are you a dirty man? NO! You’re supposed to be a freaking LADY! So act like one. Squirt some soap on those hands and WASH THEM! No one wants to touch your dirty pee hands and get your cooter germs cause you don’t understand the concept of washing your hands. Also, when you RINSE your hands for 1.5 seconds- that does NOTHING! Scrub them! FOR TWENTY SECONDS, GERM FARM! *Sing Happy Birthday to yourself (in your head- lest you garner any more stares than you already are by washing your hands properly) two times, That’s 20 seconds!
2) Pass to the left, stand to the right. I wish I could just give all commuters a 5-minute lesson I would entitle “Commuter Etiquette”. On the DL it would be known as “If you have to take this you must be dumb” class. The class theme song will be that Justin Timberlake song- Rock Your Body- “Pass to the left and you sail (we can change it to stay) to the right”. C’mon I know you know that song! Sing it! Every day when I commute downtown for work there is always a few IDIOTS that don’t understand this concept on the escalators. They stand on the left side like total morons staring at the ceiling while I burn holes in the back of their head with my menacing glares.. If you are in a hurry stay to the left so you can move quickly, if you’re not in a hurry stay to the right. Y’know kinda like driving on the highway, people. This is especially important in a train station, where there are things like SCHEDULES and TRAINS THAT ONLY RUN ON THE HOUR!
3)Preggo’s that BLEACH their hair. I see this more and more and it annoys me!!!! I guess this isn’t as bad as having your way with a bottle of Grey Goose when you’re 32 weeks pregnant. But bleach COME ON. That cannot be smart. It can burn your eyeballs right out of their sockets. It can cause your hair to fry and disintegrate! Your roots can wait!
4) Why oh why oh why won’t Pandora work in the background of my iPhone? I know this is Apple’s sneaky trick to get me to buy more music on iTunes. Also, clever marketing so that when they release the 932G version I will be forced to buy it and blow another $400 on ANOTHER iphone. Who am I kidding, by then Gavin will be 3 and it will be the latest pre-schooler craze and Mike won’t want to be left out either. Now, Apple has me for another $1200….