Category Archives: RANTS AND RAVES

I Don’t Heart….

1) Women who don’t wash their hands after they go to the bathroom. What!!!!Are you 3 years old? Are you a dirty man? NO! You’re supposed to be a freaking LADY! So act like one. Squirt some soap on those hands and WASH THEM! No one wants to touch your dirty pee hands and get your cooter germs cause you don’t understand the concept of washing your hands.  Also, when you RINSE your hands for 1.5 seconds- that does NOTHING! Scrub them! FOR TWENTY SECONDS, GERM FARM! *Sing Happy Birthday to yourself (in your head- lest you garner any more stares than you already are by washing your hands properly) two times, That’s 20 seconds!

2) Pass to the left, stand to the right. I wish I could just give all commuters a 5-minute lesson I would entitle “Commuter Etiquette”.  On the DL it would be known as “If you have to take this you must be dumb” class. The class theme song will be that Justin Timberlake song- Rock Your Body-  “Pass to the left and you sail (we can change it to stay) to the right”. C’mon I know you know that song! Sing it! Every day when I commute downtown for work there is always a few IDIOTS that don’t understand this concept on the escalators. They stand on the left side like total morons staring at the ceiling while I burn holes in the back of their head with my menacing glares..  If you are in a hurry stay to the left so you can move quickly, if you’re not in a hurry stay to the right. Y’know kinda like driving on the highway, people.   This is especially important in a train station, where there are things like SCHEDULES and TRAINS THAT ONLY RUN ON THE HOUR!

3)Preggo’s that BLEACH their hair. I see this more and more and it annoys me!!!! I guess this isn’t as bad as having your way with a bottle of Grey Goose when you’re 32 weeks pregnant. But bleach COME ON.  That cannot be smart. It can burn your eyeballs right out of their sockets. It can cause your hair to fry and disintegrate! Your roots can wait!

4) Why oh why oh why won’t Pandora work in the background of my iPhone? I know this is Apple’s sneaky trick to get me to buy more music on iTunes. Also, clever marketing so that when they release the 932G version I will be forced to buy it and blow another $400 on ANOTHER iphone. Who am I kidding, by then Gavin will be  3 and it will be the latest pre-schooler craze and Mike won’t want to be left out either.  Now, Apple has me for another $1200….


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Filed under Beauty, Chicago, I Don't Heart, Mommyhood, RANTS AND RAVES

All night, All you can eat buffet….

So I’ve heard that around 4-5 months babies sleep patterns can be interrupted or changed. Oh, wow. My baby has been sleeping through the night since he was 6 weeks old. NOW, WHAT IS GOING ON? It is a blast getting up with Gavin….all….night….long. My favorite part is that I have to be up for work at 6:15. Yes,  six  freaking fifteen. I’m so exhausted , so this has actually been dragging out til 6:30 or 6:40. I’ve been Hitting the snooze 3 times, then waking up in a panic….Rushing through my shower, shortening Gavin’s morning nursing session to only ten minutes (I felt bad, but then I thought WOW he is eating every two hours at night). I’m just generally rushing around like a crazy person.

I don’t get to bed til 11 at the earliest. Usually midnight on most nights.  Gavin woke up 3 times last night between 12am and 6:00 am. He kept rolling over towards my boobs and shoving his face into them (Gavin not my husband, har har har). So I figured he was hungry and not just fussy.  Plus, feeding him really is the easiest thing to do at night. I just roll over, stick my boob in his mouth and drift off to sleep….. Part of me is a little annoyed with my husband. Y’know since he STAYS HOME WITH THE BABY ALL DAY WHILE I CART MY ASS OFF TO WORK AT 7AM.  He never wakes up to soothe the baby or anything. I’ll look over at him and he’ll just be sleeping. Then in the morning when I tell him that Gavin was up all night he’ll so kindly inform me, “Yeah, I heard him three times last night”. Oh so you DID hear him? Because I was under the impression that you had invisible earplugs that deafened you to all sounds of our screaming baby between the hours of 10pm-7am.  But really, what can he do? Feed him a bottle of pumped milk? Blechhh….that takes too long. By the time that would happen, G would be hysterical and the whole neighborhood would probably be awake. So, my only recourse is to complain for a few minutes on my delightful blog.

Ahh, I feel so much better now. Not. (Remember NOT, when that was the cool thing to say in elementary school?)

I’m hoping this is just a growth spurt, or just because he’s teething or maybe just a fluke. Please God Please God Please God Please God.

You can't be upset Mommy! I'm too cute!

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Filed under Breastfeeding, Gavin, Mommyhood, RANTS AND RAVES

Thongs and a Full Face of Makeup

Some women feel like Pregnancy makes them beautiful. I was not one of them. Some women feel like being a mother makes them beautiful.  Psh, not me.

I traded in my G-strings (My oh my that sounds skanky) for boy shorts, because REALLY  who wants to feel a string up your ass when you’re 16 weeks pregnant puking your breakfast/lunch/dinner/snack/sip of water up.

Also makeup for a normal day at work, BYE-BYE. I was too tired to even unscrew the cap of my lip gloss. My hands were good for only two things: Pressing the snooze button and shoveling food in my mouth.

Oh, and my cute 34 C push-up Bras. So Long, Farewell. Hello, ugly 36D nursing bras.  I swore I would never EVER wear a white bra. I loathe them. Still do. Might as well just slap a sign over my boobs that says “NO SEX HERE EVER.” I successfully avoided white bras my entire life. But, selecting from the meager stack of 36D Underwire-less (My boobs were too sore  to even THINK of getting a bra with Underwire) bras was another fun preggo adventure. All I saw was white white white white and oh wait, MORE WHITE. Ew Gross.  Just what I need a white bra to accentuate the lovely pallor of my skin.

Another thing that I dearly miss is TANNING. I know, I know skin cancer…bad bad bad bad. But, really not even a mystic tan?? Nothing?! (I’m still trying to figure out if I can Mystic Tan even while I’m Breastfeeding…I’d cover up my boobs, but who knows exactly WHAT is seeping into me.) So for now I will be Ghostface Tara. Ooo. Sexy.

I thought it would be different after I was done being pregnant. Funny joke.  I thought all those stories about being covered in baby puke, forgetting the last time you showered, not being able to brush your teeth all day- those were all horror stories of girls with poor personal hygiene.  I was NEVER going to be that Mom.





My shower became  a reward at the end of the night. It was like the martini I could not have.  (Nursing a newborn every 90 minutes eliminated any chance of alcohol consumption for me.) I admit, I didn’t shower every day. It hurt my C-section incision and as soon as I would hop in the shower the baby would be screaming for boobs. I couldn’t brush my tangled hair because I was so sore. My Mom or Husband brushed my hair for me. Yes, like I was a 5-year old. ( I secretly enjoyed it).  Unfortunately, the hair-brushing ended. I healed and had to brush my own web-of-destruction hair.  I started being able to shower on a daily basis too, much to the delight of my husband.

I can honestly say I wore nothing but sweatpants or leggings for a good two months after the baby was born. Not because I was fat, (Thank you Lord Jesus,  I lost all my pregnancy weight within 3 weeks of giving birth. This is the ONLY thing you are allowed to hate me for. Yet, ANOTHER benefit of Breastfeeding!) but putting on jeans for a 3-week old baby to puke on is just dumb.  And yes, I joined the pukey nursing tank top club.  “Oh, that was only a little bit….” and “I’ve already gone through 4 shirts today. Oh, well.”

All of these things conspired against me to make me feel like one big steaming pile of poop.  So last week after catching my reflection one too many times and thinking “WHO IS THIS GIRL?!”, I finally FINALLY motivated myself enough to wake up 10 minutes earlier and throw some makeup on and straighten my hair. I also now am back to my panty-line free days of thongs.   You have no idea what a big step this is for me. Seriously. I was beginning to worry. There are still are a few things that I wish I could improve on.  I wish I was skinnier and I wish I was tanner. But one thing at a time, I suppose.

Side Note: My husband now thinks I have a work boyfriend. <Insert  hysterical laughter here>.

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Filed under Beauty, Pregnancy, RANTS AND RAVES

Failure to Progress

I was introduced to the  #twitterbirth phenomenon over the past few days when a local Mom’s twitter I had been following throughout pregnancy twittered her birth. Very interesting. I couldn’t believe how wrapped up I became in her posts. Like it was one of my closest friends texting me a play-by-play of everything that was going on. I don’t know how she did that. I only wanted my Mom and husband when I was in labor. 

 I don’t know if I would want the whole world critcizing my birthing decisions. There are several well-meaning feminist advocates that follow this as well shouting “THE WORLD IS AGAINST NATURAL BIRTH” (somewhat true)…”EPI’S ARE THE DEVIL” (medium true?!)….”CHOOSE YOUR OWN BIRTH”….The system sucks and basically you can’t choose your own birth. You get what God and your body hand to you and you do the best you can when you can. Being a Mom who wished more than anything for a normal birth…would have loved NATURAL but hell I’ll even take vaginal!!!This drums up so many negative emotions and just re-hashes everything for me. I too would have liked to experienced the “runner’s high” that many Mom’s say they feel after they push out their babies and they are plopped on their chests. I didn’t get to hold my baby for a good 30 minutes. I was all morphine’d up and shaking so bad I could barely see him. My contacts were out and I couldn’t turn my head. I had a peripheral view of him. It fucking sucked.  Did I really need a c-section? Maybe? Could I have pushed out the baby on my own? Maybe? Was he ready to come out? I was at induced 15 days late….42+1weeks….Were my dates wrong? Absolutely not.  

I was not empowered during pushing. I couldn’t feel anything. I felt helpless. People had to move my legs for me. I couldn’t change positions. I couldn’t do anything. I just laid there and hoped that I wasn’t pooping. Sad, but true.  I wasn’t excited. I was mad. I was so mad.

Don’t get me wrong. I am beyond grateful that I have a happy, bubbly, sleeping-through-the night, gorgeous baby boy. I guess the result is all that matters. But does how you got there count? Why does it seem that way? I wish I would be able to tell my son “Ahhh, I was in labor for 36 hours and I pushed you out, easy as pie”. My own Mom had 3 home births all natural. So I figured maybe I would get some of her strength. Instead, I feel like I should say “I suck, I couldn’t even do the most basic human thing that my body was preparing me to do for 9 months” or “Why couldn’t have I been stronger and just NOT gotten the epidural?”. I don’t mean to offend any other moms out there that had c-sections. If you are happy and at peace  then I am beyond happy for you. I also understand that they can be a miracle as well. I just know that I can’t be the only Mom who feels this way.  I guess I am mad at myself.  The EPI PIT CSEC waterfall of shit sucked….(actually mine was PIT EPI CSEC….)

This C-section will haunt me the rest of my life. I wanted 4 kids. Now the maximum I can have is….what ?3? if I’m lucky. Should I attempt a VBAC? Can I even find a hospital that will DO the VBAC? Do I really want to labor again for 36 hours and then OHHHH JUST KIDDING HERE’S ANOTHER C-SECTION. 

I feel like I never actually gave birth.  I feel guilty, like I didn’t do something right. Like when I was  in the hospital bed for hours upon hours not feeling any contractions-  I was cheating.  Apparently I was. Time to the pay the piper.

I was not at all emotional about it after it happened. I was just grateful the waiting and labor was OVER. The recovery sucked so bad. C-section recovery is a cruel and unusual punishment. How are you supposed to comfort a screaming hours old baby? “Hey, can you help me stand up so I can slowly shuffle over to the bassinet and try to manuever myself into some kind of bent over NOT SCREAMING IN PAIN position that doesn’t require the use of any of the abs that were just sliced in half?  That would be great, Thanks.” On a positive note, the constant Vicodin supply is nice and that happy 30-minute high I got when I took my first dose was delightful. The world seemed soft and flowy and I was able to forget about the 8-inch gash across my stomach and the fact that my DAY OLD BABY HAD AN IV IN HIS HAND. 

Watching the #Twitterbirth last night unfold just like mine did was terrible. I felt like I was re-living the horror and the anger all over again. And, FUCK, I didn’t even realize how angry I still am. Completely helpless. All the talk of  “NO YOU CAN REFUSE A CSEC”…You like to think that you can. But you really can’t. I am the queen of refusals. I refused induction after being admitted for high blood pressure a week late, spit in the doctor’s face (figuratively), signed the release forms and left. Maybe the first mention or two of a Csec you can refuse, but let’s be honest….It’s not like you can throw out the entire hospital staff and have your own makeshift birth. When you haven’t slept in 24 hours and those doctors are in your face tossing around terms like “fetal demise” and saying “Don’t you want what’s best for your baby?”. What the fuck are you supposed to say to that?

Would have I undergone a hundred surgeries and hours upon hours of pain to be able to hold my little son in my arms. ABSOLUTELY. Would I do anything to ensure his safety? ABSOLUTELY.

All in all, I think we are getting so turned around. “Baby is too big” …..blah blah blah….”Positioning”…..”Pelvis”…..24-hour labor timing helps no one. The pressure is so great, we are almost certain to crack.

“So what are calling this one” “Is this one a ‘failure to progress’? ”  Nice! Really nice. Can’t they think of another way to say it. Something that doesn’t include the word FAILURE!!!!

I just wish I could forget how much of a failure I felt like and still feel like. I know that it DOESN’T mean that I am a failure blah blah blah. It shouldn’t matter, right? But it does.

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Filed under BIRTH, Gavin, RANTS AND RAVES