It’s almost been two years since I gave birth to my munchkin. I am not lying when I say it was the worst and the best day of my life all wrapped up in one huge ball of emotion and tears. Oh the fucking tears I cried over my contractions, over my anxiety, over my beautiful new little bundle of love and all the crap that the mean doctors pooped on me when I was supposed to be just enjoying my time with my new baby. “Well since you were in labor so long he might have a life-threatening blood infection so we’re going to keep him on IV antibiotics for three days. ” Oh, awesome….way to scare the shit out of me, doc.
I remember I was so scared to be happy. Even when I was pregnant I was terrified to be happy. I thought that my being happy would somehow jinx it. Even when my son was born, it took me a few weeks…errr ok more like a month…maybe 6 weeks… to feel true peace and contentment. I was so terrified of SIDS and of not doing something right and of the soft-spot on his head (DON’T TOUCH HIS HEAD!) and his little neck if I was supporting it properly. I was so worried that he wasn’t enough and were my boobs making enough milk, and was he sleeping enough…or too little…. Plus on top of that I was trying to recover from surgery and even sitting up and getting out of bed was a freaking ten-minute process.
Last year around my son’s birthday our family went through a huge change. My husband found an awesome job, and he went from Stay-at-home Dad to full time worker and I went from full time working/pumping Mama to a full time Stay at Home Mom. At first I had grand visions of a spotless house, beautiful meals and hours upon hours to make crafts and do fun activities with my son. Unfortunately, life isn’t always like that. There’s tantrums and SO MANY FREAKING MESSES. Seriously, he’s literally like a tornado. He loves to test my patience and he climbs on everything and dumps his food on the floor and pours his cups of juice and water all over everything. (Currently my kitchen floor is rather sticky – must mop tomorrow). I could spend THE ENTIRE DAY CLEANING. All day every day. The hard part of being a stay-at-home-Mom isn’t the mothering, it’s the cleaning. My husband is a kind of neat freak and he gets really stressed out if things aren’t in their place, so I’m always always cleaning and picking up. Some days I wonder why I even bother because my son will just tear everything to shreds in a matter of minutes. Tonight he was chewing on my book. It looked like a puppy had gotten a hold of it. OH NO, THAT’S JUST MY TODDLER.
I’m going off on to a cleaning tangent/vent….that is SO not whatthis post was supposed to be about! I am just shocked and amazed that I am seeing my little man turn into….well a little man. He’s my cuddle monster always wantingto give me hugs and kisses. Even though he drives me crazy about 75% of his waking hours the other 25% is the best most wonderful thing in the world. He’s starting to say I love you….which doesn’t really sounds like I love you more like “Errrwoovvvooo” but he is saying it and dammitt if that isn’t the sweetest I love you I have ever heard, I don’t know what is.
Things in my life have been up and down lately. I’m really hurting right now. But he is my constant. My little ball of happiness and smiles, my buddy who always wants to be with his Mama. I know those days won’t last for long, so I’m storing away as many memories as I can . I love his excited face when he sees something or someone new and I love that he’s always looking and absorbing everything around him. He’s discovering so much and it’s so amazing to see. I’m one lucky Mama.